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If you could you would get rid of me, fuck you gone do when a bitch try to go hard? Bet I won't let you get to me
(to me) You should already figure I'ma go hard. If you was as real as me you would never let another girl sit in yo
throne. I done flipped the trunk on her. They screamin, "Nicki leave me alone!" I am, I'm still the one to beat. Ain't in a rush from these
streets. I am the streets. I am gettin it in until the end. I gotta go, GO, gooo, GO HARD!
R E C E N T I N F O F R I E N D S I C O N S W E B B I E ©
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| • If God Can Take You To It, He Can Pull You Through It • |
[ July the 8th] |
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mood |
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 off days |
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music |
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Disney's BOLT |
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Losing trust in a faith that you grew up within may have been one of many tests that has been tossed upon my plate. Prior to the way I felt that God has forgotten about one of his children, you couldn't tell me much wrong. I've seen my views on how people are to be treated shift to a whole different section. I tell you this now. The Devil is a lie. Let that sink in for your mind. He'll find his way in anyone's weak heart, then twist that muthafucka until the person is beyond repairable. I felt that, Diva could have been that victim. So I pray on my enemies so that what they give will arrive much harsh. There is not anything..and I mean anything that will stop that magnificent power. Yes he did, ya'll better stand and praise. Sorries. Yesterdays ministries took me under and I'm still getting over it. I had the day off today to gather me time and let Stankie McGee get his son. Inseparable they are and if he'll keep him for the week then I'm straiiiiggghhtttt mane! A great gal pal of mine has been counted on for so much including these passing months. Without much to ask for she came with me to look into some personal things. That I thank her so much for.
• LOCKED • This morning had been the official first major appointment. I will say that it was very nerve wracking becasue of majority of problems I'm facing. Stating that my stress level is up there is an understatement so watchful eyes are upon me to keep it even but it is difficult enough as it is to remain defiant for not only myself, but my son, and the unborn. Coco confided into me with her concerns because she has revealed to me about her young teenage years. Very similar to my dilemma she too had been violated and raped only to be left with pain and a life she never asked for. Now I know my friend but this was one of those tales she felt that was too painful to reveal. We've known eachother since school so it was slaying a sista that this happened to her at a young age. But I was able to chip down part of my wall to let her in to what I've kept majorily to myself. Yes a few know of my pregnancy but no one besides the pain in the ass that it was conceieved out of violation. I cried long and hard right with this woman because she gave me the comfort to do so when there wasn't anyone who would see the truth. Those that pointed and labeled me a ho, a wicked woman for the way I earned some authority in that hotel felt that maybe I had deserved what had happened. But no. I did not. No woman deserves to be knocked from under her feet like that.
I explained to her the happenings of a week ago and what was to come. My plans for this child and why I decided to carry instead of going through that one appointment which would erased all but the memory would remain there. Nervous as can be I sat in that doctor's room going over questions, things of that matter that were of a large concern. My health history, including the first pregnancy. I've explained to him of the hardship behind that which in the first trimester that King Jr's twin never made it to develop. When that odd twisted fate happened it left me very sick where my own body was fighting to dispose of the beginning of him, and in the process keep the other safe. I went through some hell the following months and was almost positive that I would lose Jr. as well. But that never happened. Things looked up though I know it was heaven sent that one was spared, long enough to see that little snot rocket bust from the womb. And the doctor really put it to me that a risk as such was so high this time around, yet the only thing that has my sense of stress so high is the fight with this man. I'll get to that after I explain this much. Thus far things have been normal considering. I haven't had many pains like I first experienced with Jr, or spotting. I was fearful that it could happen at any point but I pray a lot. I prayed because I know this one would come out of something that was filled with hate, and be loved just because it is a life.
This introduction to another chapter was laid out before me while I had my friend there at each step. The familiar sounds of the ultrasound machine made me jittery furthering that anticipation of seeing what this child start to develop like. I've kept myself up at night wondering if it'll be a boy or girl. Would he or she resemeble more like me or that slant eye muthafucka. If...could I look at my child and not see that mans face or ...it was so many things going through my mind as the woman went through with sliding that cold ass jelly across my belly. Only at twelve weeks and a few weeks I'm starting to show. My first go around I carried big and it looks as if I will this time around but the one problem is that the doctor is afraid that I might lose weight if I can't get this stress straightened out. Which will be difficult since I have to be a caregiver, work, mother, and do other things in order to survive. Then on top of that make sure I'm in tip top shape. Well when that screen showed what was deep within, I had nearly stopped breathing. Not because of the blessing to be able to do this again but the fact of how I got into this situation. You can't keep those awful memories away just like that. It's..I know I have this reminder of what happened but I'm trying so so hard not to regret this. ( 12 weeks & 5 days ) The doctor asked me of why I wasn't filled with joy rather than sorrow. I couldn't explain that but Coco spoke up for me in regards to that sudden breakdown. Why would I explain this when no one other than that woman believed my story? I can't trust many including my own family because I already know of the way they spoke lowly of me during that transition where I was losing myself by the way of the mighty dollar. When the reading was done, I somewhat was calm. The doctor and I spoke on a woman to woman basis which made the visit more easier than it had been before. I had many concerns including those that were just mentioned, but as well anything else. I left with a few copies of my child printed out in those stages of its life. One for me, and plenty to show that demon of a man what he created through his treachery. He'll be receiving those first class via mail. I also explained to Coco of my idea of how I had to reach this newfound way of dealing with him without shifting off course. She's got my back and I hope that she does. But before all of that had happened. A week or so ago I met with him. Not for what he expected, and not to hold chit chat. In my defense I had right to tell him of his horror had caused. Not for spite, but for him to see the error of his ways. The real person that he truly is.
Let's just put it this way, I believe with all my might that by my appearance and explaining my condition that he was truly frightened. I have no need to threaten him with this pregnancy or want anything from him either. I don't want that man's money. I don't want his involvement either. I just wanted him to see what his unthoughtful actions just caused his future. And of course this will be a fight that God has or is preparing me for. I know what is on the line. My privacy, my rights as a mother, and dignity or what's left of it. That don't phase me, baby. It don't because I know who's on my side holding me down. But boy...oh lord I wanted to jap that man in his gotdamn chest so bad. Had the nerve to threaten me and my children? Are you dense mane? That's where I got tough and said enough is enough. I know about that little engagement he has going on. Who doesn't? I don't know about the female he's about to marry but she'll be one sad cookie after this is all said and down. I will not have anyone degrade me as if I am less than the person I am. People know by now that I've been through a whole hell of a lot in my adult years, and this...this right here? Got my pressure a rising and I know. Yes I know what will come to light because it always breaks through darkness. When it does, chile? I'll be right there rejoicing in glory for I know who has my back, and my child's. I am truly nervous because I know of his wicked ways. The stops he would go to, to always have that upper hand. I'll let him sweat though. Don't play. He really done met the wrong bish. Hmm. Now how to reveal this as I grow because...I get side eyes and questions now. Chubby Diva. Ugh. • END •
I would like to say that this weekend in itself was something to hold in a scrap book. I had the honor of attending a special day and booger man was part of that special day. If I haven't seen such a beautiful sight of all these people coming together to see two join up for that life long partnership. I love me some weddings! My mascara done had it after the function and woooo ya'll should have seen my baby walk down that thing like he knew how. I've said this awful alot but again I wish Kam and Jay many blessed years to come. Touching and right now I cannot hold back because it was a real beautiful thing. It really was. Excuse me I need some tissues. A mess. I can't much longer. • SMOOCHES •
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| • My roof back, my money right... • |
[ June the 9th] |
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mood |
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 ughness, chile |
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music |
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Backyardigans |
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Being home for the day is going to be a tough one ya'll. I need to get back to work but strange days are up ahead. Yes it is. Some of the things I've done out of this life time aren't perfect, nor will they be looked at as perfect. I am just a woman who is out to do what is best for hers and her. Y'know asking these questions to people on the forum and even at work has build a sense of strength. Mama always said I was a bullheaded person when I need be and letting the aspects of my name dictate me has never occurred. Never do you get a lil' besides yourself that you forget. I don't forget but most things I would love to forget. It just isn't that simple to forget. Shall we forgive, I ask? Forgive and be freed or wallow with the treacherous hate for those and situations that has left you branded for life? I say forgive. Not for those but for yourself. It is the only way you will remain sane. It is the only way you will be able to free yourself. So I say be free. Don't let anything hold you back from living this beautifulest thing called life. Yes we have a short one but you make the best of it, especially for your babies.
• LOCKED • There will be days, Mama said. Boy do I know them so well. It is very hard walking around as if nothing is wrong. I believe people can read it on my face or hear it in my speech at times. I'm not a great person to lie, y'know? I strive to be honest and so much with myself. I woke up really ill and have been for the last few weeks. Pulling through it is rough because there is no break. Not when you're doing things on your own. But yesterday morning my stomach just dropped right under the girl. I got that call from the doctor at the clinic about that appointment I've made. When I made that appointment I wasn't thinking about the small being that is inside of me but I was thinking about myself. How I would feel if this abomination can go away. I can be free of the man who had the wool over my eyes. The devil know he a liar and it came in the body of that slant eye...oh lord hold my mule before he tramples over! I prayed for the thoughts to leave me at peace but that call put a hurt feeling onto my soul. It really did. I felt the guilt and ache as I spoke to the receptionist about whether or not I wanted to go forward with the procedure. Being on the line with the tears escaping and you reasoning with yourself internally is a sight to see. It took some guidance and questioning my own existence to this woman of whether or not I was doing the right thing. I'm sorry but terminating a gift you bare isn't right at all. But the way I've felt since find out has put me through the motions. So much that outsiders who don't know see an issue.
I cannot go through and decided to cancel the appointment. It wouldn't sit well on this already broken heart of mine. With much praying has helped me see the better side of this. All that I know is the way to carry this out until that small person comes into this world. My son already knows and came to me this morning because I was too sick to get out of bed. He hopped in and cuddled up beside me. It was comforting because he too was a miracle and I am blessed for it. I went through hell, yes but something angelic came from it. This is the same I feel, y'know? Children are quite intuitive that they can figure out what is going on. For the longest nothing could change the bond he and I have. He rested his small hand on my cheek and said something that made me cry. It was moving because here you have this little boy telling me to smile and everything will be fine. I suppose he's heard it a lot coming from me. He asked me a question and I gave him the answer. He and myself are the only ones who know. He may not understand how and by whom it happened, all that he knows of is his little brother or sister making Mommy fat. UGH. My buddha is my protector in ways and I always remind him of that. He's strong and enduring from the things he's been through since birth. I love him to bits and soon enough I will learn to love this child as well. I could never live with myself if I went on and got rid of it. The damage has been done but more damage will be done because playback is a muthafucka. Excuse the swahilli. I'm nervous if people find out but only God can judge me. I'm more afraid if King finds out. He's so...even through the years and what have you, he's always had this protection about me. Besides the rat mout scoundrel is crazy so who knows what he will do?
I can't let him or anyone know for now. I mean hiding a pregnancy in this body? Is no...it's impossible. I'm not a waif type of chick at all. Curves for days so tread with caution but already I'm starting to show and its only 8 1/2 weeks. I know with carrying Jr and his twin I was big starting off but lost a lot of weight after I got sick and lost the other one. This is different. My clothes are extra tight so shopping has to be had. I have to really get prenatal care soon since I cancelled the other appointment. This mind numbing because this isn't how I mapped out my life. Never could I have imagined being in this position but don't think that I am weak hearted. Not this gal here. I know what is in store. For someone who lacks care for other than themselves I got something for that ass. All of these emotions are raw and real. I know what I felt when this happened. I know how I feel now and I am not going to sit back and allow the debauchery to continue. Hell no. He's back in town. What for? I could really care why but he contacted me. I don't know how when I changed my number. It was for working purposes....and the...he pretended like nothing was wrong nor happened. That really put me in for it and I was reeling off of emotions that I felt that something had to be done. I can't have this man's child not like this. But the realization that I couldn't go through with an abortion hit me. Someone will pay one way and I know how. God let me do this since my justice is through this child. So like hotdogs rolled neck Busta Rhymes, Diva is back on her BS. He's going to pay in full. Act like you know. I don't play games and no one will play me for one either. He'll have something in store and it won't be pretty. • END •
I'm thinking staying in bed will do me some good. Lil Buddha doesn't mind as long as he can watch his NICK jr shows. Look at him. Awwwwweh! I love my baby to bits. He'll be five soon and that will be just another milestone to praise over. I'm blessed that he's alive and healthy. Healthy is all I ask for and for the fist to jap out the demon from killing my spirit. Don't let that thing kill your spirit! Wooo chile I feel a sermon coming on but I digress. Don't feel all that great to be shouting and acting a damn donkey. Might scare this boy away. Anywho if peoples need me, give me a call or something. I'll be making some pies soon. Like officer Rawse, Everyday I'm hustlin'... • SMOOCHES •
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[ May the 21st] |
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mood |
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 late nighter |
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music |
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Thanks For My Child • Cheryl Riley |
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• I'll stay and watch you grow, Yes I will! I'll raise you by myself, A one woman show. You make life worth singing a song. You make life worth singing a song'. With you right here with me, I 'll have the strength to go on. Thanks for my child. Here we are to today, the years have gone by. Thanks for my child. You grew before my eyes, time after time. Thanks for my child. I'll hold you in my arms, I hold you close to me. Rock a bye my baby, I'll rock you to sleep. I understand your language, your baby talk. You forgot to crawl, Before you walked. There you are just looking so beautiful. And all the while, you are wrapped in blankets. You are my love child. • |
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| • There Is Nothing Pure In This World... • |
[ May the 20th] |
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mood |
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conflicted & down |
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music |
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Lil' Buddha sleeping snoring |
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We hold those accountable for most of the ills in our life. No one wants to be a victim even to their circumstances. But it can happen without much of a warning. Each morning I wake and deliver a prayer of gratitude to our maker as well before I doze off to sleep; that's if my ass can get sleep. I ask him to continue to bless the air that we breathe. Bless the hearts to those that have lost their way. Bless the abilities to do what we can do for those that matter deeply to us. Bless us for being able to see a new day. My days have been not the best and there are reasons for them. I used to believe things come along because that is why it happens. In the past few months I cannot put my faith into that. When I say Jesus needed to come along to be my souped up caddie on twenty-eights and take me away from the devil's brothel, that's what I mean. I needed that hand the most when the clouds came looming over ya'll. Yes he did. Let me quit before I start, but quitting in the first places has Diva sitting in a way that she cannot begin the way to start. It all started by handing in my verbal resignation...
• LOCKED • ....then ended with my heart, breath, and the force to be who I am destroyed. I've been stripped to a body of uncleanliness holding inside an innocent in which I am not sure if it deserves to be attached by genes to a monster with no heart. In ways this has been brought on my head. Lord I've prayed enough hoping that whistles, and horns would sound off to stop the train wreck but I feel as though he missed my calls. Was this ever punishment for me trying to gain support for a better life for my son? Have I lost my trail by the color of green? Would it of all been better if I had only gave into his wants instead of them being forced upon me like some two dollar ho? Before I had grew tired of dragging down my placement of esteem in order to receive my gaups on the side, I clearly thought that moving up through the company wouldn't mean giving up my body in exchange for that. I've dealt with the devil himself and it was a pretty bad lost on my part. This problem escalated after the time when King Jr. was taken by Mosi. I was left without many options of where to turn to then.
Out of desperation, this knowledge was shared between Satan's long lost son. I felt a sense of security that King couldn't give me. I wasn't looking for it but found it at a vulnerable time. I suppose from that intimate occurance the slant-eyed bastard must have felt that he was obligated to have me any time he pleased. It was a mistake on my part the first few times. Few. Twice maybe. I can't explain those two incidents really. I was just in need of something that no one has even offered me at the time. It wasn't the currency or the over expensive gifts, nor had it been the fancy suits, upgrades from the threads I normally wore. I really don't know for what it was. I hated that person from the gut but there I was showing up at these events with a coy smile to my face, a beautiful dress to boot, and money in my hand after the matter. Not just a check because it was a job but cold hard cash in stacks, baby. I mean stacks. Why would someone who thought I was nothing more than an object want to trick off on me for? I felt blinded that my part in helping this grand building would see the light. In actuality it was false.
What merked me senseless was that the people who I've crossed in order to remain seated where I was. I was lifted from being that welcoming lady behind the desk, to promoting the hotel with my looks. That's no more than saying I basically was a better version of my hoing having ass friend of mind. See here, I never knocked what that gal did. Had no reason to but I knew of the things she got herself into. What she could not get out of. I knew she was better than getting these mens to trick off of her. There I was doing the same damn thing, only difference was I rarely had to give up what was between my thighs. That I could not understand the last of days for me. My spirits are broken in multiple pieces. The thought of ever reliving the night makes the pain in my stomach that much more unbearable. My entire way of feeling is numb besides the bond I share with my son. When I curled up in that bed hugging myself, I could hear him. Hear his voice over again. I fought hard, and my effort failed. The way he handled me wasn't the way you would handle a woman and it was beyond...oh lord. I wept the entire time and never felt so much less self-worth than at that moment.
He never stayed long enough. Money was left behind and I thought that it was finally over. That night when I left, I felt so ashamed. People--the staff saw us arrive as if we were in some type of lover's quarrel. I beg to differ there but everyone of those folk knew then that the rumors were true. Little Miss Diva was doing the greater good in order to gain the greater good for herself. I walked out half exposed and embarassed because they were all proven correctly. I haven't seen him since then. My first insinct was to go tell someone. Find someone who would believe what happened, but it all looked bad on my part. The jump outs laughed at me. Said I was making it all up because dollar signs were in my eyes. How could signs of the dollar be on my mind when this muthafucka took what wasn't given? Then I knew from there it was all over. All over that I had to submerge myself where no one would see me for much. Up until the day that I had this feeling all too the same. I sit here in this room expressing why my dilemma cannot get better from here.
Three weeks passed on and I woke up to the symptoms I've had when I carried Jr and his twin. Never felt any more sick then knowing what I felt on the inside. My breath was short, couldn't keep much down, and Ms. Flo' never showed her face. Shutting down then sealed the deal and I'm not sure what to do. Where to even begin with this abomination. I can't..I don't know if I can do it, y'know? How could I? And how could I think of doing something to rid of this? How could I think on that note, huh? Oh my lord..it's made me highly emotional that my own son won't deter away from me. As if he knows. Does he? Can his little beedy eye self read me like that? Something has to be done but that something is not what I want to think about at this hour. I can't with it. • END •
I've found a job back where I used to work some time before. A department store, and nah it isn't Target. I tried with them for the last time but it wasn't cutting. Macy's is my new place to browse in and Women's shoes is where I am learning to master the art of comissioned sales. It's a beautiful thing to get through. It's hard out there in this cold world, but we can only take it one step at a time. When I'm not busy pulling in hours at the store, I help out where my son goes to preschool. He's doing so wonderful that it makes his Mama proud. I haven't spoken to Rat face in a few weeks but that's because I don't have to see his face when I drop him off to see Ms. Calhoun. It's really late, and I need to wash these here dishes for the pies. • SMOOCHES, Baby •
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| • And I Wonder... • |
[ April the 6th] |
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Lately Diva has been mute. Finding out that your life is churning faster than you want it to, doesn't allow much to be said. I sit in a place that isn't my home and wonder what has brought me here. It is not like the times where it was Jr, and myself living with mama and 'em. Nor is it like staying with Coco but there really isn't a home to call at the moment. For greater it's best that I left it at that because of personal reasons and ones concerning the most important person in my life. I don't want to go there today but I have time off for a reason. The question that I cannot seem to answer completely and most selfishly is what is it would I want out of life? As a younger version of myself the only thing I could answer to is that I wanted to be a very strong woman who held more than one degree under her belt, had a very succesful career, was with a man who I could call my own and had his damn head on straight, owned a home, help provide for my Mama and her husband who was more of a father to me than my own Pops. I could go on but that isn't where my life has been directed. Let's face it, I'm just a single mother who's isn't scraping by like she once was, yet still in a world of predictaments where I feel like some decisions are right, but are they really right for someone else? Can I continue to travel down a road out of spite of someone else? There are regrets that I wouldn't speak on to someone else but only for myself to know. If I was given a showing five years before this date of what goes on currently, I'm not sure if I would have been in situations I have been.
You know how it gets when your parents say things out of love and explain to you of what isn't best. In some ways they were right. So much that when you never listen to them it's constantly a reminder everyday. Sometimes I wished that I would have listened but it was up to me in the end. This is where I am. These are the cards that were dealt, and I wonder if I have dealt them myself. Would all of those years of strife be none if I would have only listened to what was right? Mane, give me a sign before I asked the Jesus to take that wheel. It is quite funny how you look on your life and pick out what you believed went it's other course. For nothing some might believe but it is all for a reason. A reason that might not fully make sense but one day it will. Possibly I am there where there isn't a factor to distinguish where it should make much sense. After putting my thoughts out like this, it brings me back in order to see what's going to be going for myself and mine. I want to forfeit some ties but at the same time would that consider me a quiter? In one phase I was one and had to face another obstacle because of it. Actually, a gal had to face more than one and now that I think about it, I'm here now seeing that the mistake won't be made again. I believe more can be done so about this time next year, even months away I will know what it is that I would like actually out of life.
Not for my son or the ones I care about, but for myself. At this current time I really do not know, ya'll. I really don't. Woo, let me quit about that before it brings me to some tears. It's a deep feeling to sit through not knowing the full spectrum of possiblities for yourself. There's more than much I would love to do, but will my background, furthermore my current state hold me back?? ...My head aches tremendously attempting to go on. Bed is calling my name. • SMOOCHES •
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| • Weekend Is Here, BABY! • |
[ March the 7th] |
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A two week vacation has never been in my vocabulary. There's so much to do, and not to do that I find myself sitting right in the same hotel I've been attempting to getaway from. Woo chile, so much happened that I cannot bring myself to get into. Legal reasons. Yes it did. I'm telling you this much, a girl needs to go out and live the life. No partying exactly. I don't drink nor participate in any other social things such as drugs. That just was not how I did things. Except for college, but no one can know about that. My lips are sealed, mane. Before some incident happened, I found myself walking the halls in my pjs and robe. With the makeup gone, and rollers in my hair, you would expect me to start picking up toys or cleaning things. I was hoping to find people to talk to and end up speaking to the different staff. No I haven't seen my boo, Rashad. He think he's playa playa. I know he sneaking off with that horse mouf donkey they call Andrea. Him and I going to have a little talk about these hussies he pumping. Don't no man think he can play Diva. Someone tell him about how I am. A mans will get japped in the chest. Unfortunately, I have the energy to keep up with being live. Excuse me at the moment. As I were, the halls were roamed and I ran into Ms. Chanel. Sweet woman she is. We conversed and it was a nice distraction until the incident. I don't know if she believed I was crazy enough to handle it, but everyone knows how I get. If someone seems to be in need of help, there I am ready to solve the problem. It's happened many of times except for one where I almost lost my mind.
Sitting in my room gave me the incentive that maybe I revolve my life around others than myself. This was pointed out by numerous peoples that I respect their opinions. Of course I would love to have me time, fun, and such. That's just not the reality of my life right now. Not when I have to take on double duties. I'm not going to mention being a mother to it's fullest degree but that is just one of them. Really the largest factor if you want to be honest. I'm not one of these sad excuse for women who put themselves before their children, or whatever the case may be. There's no man my life for me to depend on. I've lost much trust in one already and that's the one who should have been intuned to my words from the beginning. There's a person who depends on me, so the me thing has to be on hold. Not at this moment really. I should be out having fun with people my age. Spread that charm that is normal when I am in a work setting. When I started the dating service, it was only a way for me to put my energy into helping those find a connection with someone. I have this need to be a voice of help or reason if someone has a problem. Magnetism. All types of people are attracted to me, not because of my physical but because of something more special than that. A show of character. I need help myself, honestly. I know how to ask of it and don't have the problem of sharing but no one needs to be in my mix that deep.
Not when it will be figured out soon enough.
• LOCKED • I lie about that. Bless my heart. I find it bearing to sort out my feelings towards certain people. Why actions I partake in do not affect myself. After Jr. was brought back unscathed, there was this angry part of me that wants to punish King. Why did I ever put my heart in believing that he would change for his little boy? I came to visit him and gave him the word of encouragement because when no one else believed in him there I was explaining that he did not have to be like his father, nor the brother that never held a care in his heart. I hope Mosi rots where his soul ends up. For what he did by kidnapping our my child, to pistol whipping his own sister, that can't be forgiven. I'm not sure I can forgive King for being so muthafucking wreckless with his involvement in the game. Why? He allowed for that pride to run over what he was working hard for. The fast money is just that, fast. When it's gone, it's gone. He's a smart man and knows the hard knock life but mane he's killing me in ever trusting him. So much that I made the decision not for him to be around nor see his seed. It's a lose lose result and now it's bringing a bad feeling of am I doing the right or wrong thing? He needs to see his son, but I can't afford to have that trust into him this time. Not with his type of life. I can't put that baby back into that situation. It hurts when I hear Buddha asking me where his father is. Why he isn't around to read him his bedtime story, or playing Transformers.
Is the right thing being done? I want to ask the question until all possible answers are exhausted. Mama says I am doing the best thing besides hitting him for child support. I don't want or need his contribution financially. Not when my job is in a secure place at the moment. Ms. Calhoun even feels the same as Mama does. When I drop King over to his grandma's, she was willing to not allow for King to see his son. I don't believe that woman can forgive her sons for their involvement into this world that's not quite promising. I don't believe no amount of prayer will bring that man to his senses. The most feared feels to come soon. Him being handed the same fate he gave his brother. Then how will I explain to that little boy? I can't figure what's right or wrong in this circumstance because I can't keep Jr. from his father but at the same time, he needs to be safe. I cannot function to find out that, the child could be in risk of being taken again. And this time gone from us forever. As a person, there's no way to grasp that idea. • END •
Saturday evening might hold an event or two. I'll be visiting some karaoke night and have a twirl at the mic. Someone please come along. The more the better. It's always nice to make fun of ourselves. Don't anyone worry. I can sang. GIRL YOU SO GLADYS KNIGHT WITHOUT HER PIPS!!! I kid, but no I can hold those notes and belt out my songs of choice. Requests are welcomed as well. Uhm, ordered room service on the late night tip is calling me. • SMOOCHES •
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| • Walking In Silence • |
[ February the 10th] |
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• LOCKED • What is the point in living with fear for when you only fear for the one that you love unconditionally? What happens to me is nothing compared to what has or might happen. I prayed, lord knows I prayed but why my baby? Why this sad sad lost soul go back to doing what he did? Got himself all in this mix of things, not thinking what the consequences could be. Mosi...this shiftless no heart having ass nucca..would this man actually harm more than a hair on my child? I don't understand this life any more. It happens often but as it touches home it changes everything. I feel like I can't do anything to protect my child. And if I tried, it would not be enough. King gave me a burner. There was no if ands or buts about not keeping it. He said if someone came after me to use it but I don't want this devilish thing in my home, mane. I don't want to live in fear but I know this is the reality of what has become of us. Can't not a one person keep a smile on my face like that little boy and he's gone? Not gone from this earth but captured? I told his father to get my child back and he would have to face me personally. I will murk that man my damn self.
Oh lawd this can't be happening. Not in these days. He's been through enough already in his small life. its only been three days and I don't know what to do. There's no one I can tell and the daycare center has been calling off the hook wondering if King jr. will be making it in. Mama don't know. She wanted for me to keep my son from King ever since he was released but I couldn't do that. Not when that little demon seed loves his father but its he the reason for why my baby isn't here. How could he be so gotdamn stupid and selfish? I thought he really was about being a better man and leave that street life alone? What about those private talks we had about holding a better future for this child here? Can he not be about King for that long? I don't understand the call could be that strong. Doesn't he understand that I was working this thing here for us all while he had the time to better himself? It would have been promising. It would have. We need that stability in our lives but not at the cost of some innocent being placed in the crossfire. Those sleeping pills do not help at this point and I tried the alternative to those. The other bottle that has been in the cabinet for some time now. I want to go get help. Real help but King said don't go to the feds. He said don't tell anyone he'll handle it. How? You not that damn smart enough, if it were so my child wouldn't be hold up.
I have a greater faith that will persevere through this. I know it will. It has to. It isn't this boy's time to go. Not when he's been near on almost three occasions. I don't know how to deal with another child of mine gone. The thought alone puts me asunder. How will a woman, not only that but a mother cope or move on from in? The answer is you cannot. You cannot move on when you were the one who carried that rock headed lil man from the time he was just that split egg. His brother...the one that never made it. How that left this temple of my body sick trying to cleanse itself while it was building for the one who would survive. We been through so much, mane. So so so much. There was a time when the life of that child would never come back but it did. He had a light more powerful than the sun which gave me reason to always go for the next day. I could always count on his bubbly smile, or those mischievious eyes to leave a smile over my face. He is a sweetheart. Polite, well mannered, but still a little adventurous little boy. He has his tantrums, and when he wants to be babied he'll sit up on my lap and rest his head right on my chest and twirl his finger in my hair until he falls asleep.
Watching him sleep without him going through those night tremors is the most peaceful thing you can ever experience. Why would someone take away my world like that? He's my sanity, the way I can be strong. That's all I have to keep me from living with the terrors I still face. His little runny nose self helped me and the child does not even know it. What will I do if he's been touched? I'm not going to bury my child. I refuse it! I...can't do this. Hold myself together like everything is peachy? The hotel has seen my face around once and people have been going around whispering like the usual but this time its worse. ``There goes that
Diva. Girlfriend looks a warm mess. Where's her charm? You know what it is, dontcha? The boss must have turned her loose. I'm not talking about a pink slip...`` They've said worse but this hurts the most because they do not know what my life consists of. They don't know how hard it is to keep a smile when the one thing that has you smiling could be gone. I left work early today and blamed my lack of performance on being ill. I am ill, my heart is ill. All that is connected to that will feel the same. Who can I talk to right now without them having to make it worse? I'm not myself and how long must I not say a word?
I need help. I need a new place to lay low. I need my baby boy back... • END •
Uhm. I've been not so much of a great gal pal. Apologies to ya'll ladies. Allie congrats on your release party, mamas. Sorry I couldn't make it. Ms. AnDiva sorry girl. One of these days we'll have a night out on the town. Heh. But I forgot what I was going to say, except you people have a wonderful day. And keep hold of your family and tell them you love them every chance it is given. Love you all and those I don't even know. I need to go lay down and stop my head from spinning. • SMOOCHES •
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| • All Work, No Praise... • |
[ January the 11th] |
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Lawd Jesus be my dose of Ibprofin and relieve this devil of a headache! Rebuke it in the name of Jesus! Yes praise his name. Sorries, I almost believed it was church time. But I missed service and forgot to get up at the ass crack of dawn to make my baby his breakfast. Why this little boy mad at me? Talm'bout...`` Mama, I'm not talking to youuu today. Where's panacakes?`` If you don't talk right, its pan-cakes lil boy! He really was mad at me. Not only did I forget to cook this morning, I forgot that he had a playdate yesterday with the landlord's children. Have you ever seen the most cold and meanest side eye from a little boy before? It scared me awake. Apologies would not cut it because he was really mad. UGH he looked just like his rotten mouth daddy then. My excuses? Working too dagone hard so he can be comfortable. So there can be food in this house. So that the lights or other utilities won't catch the shutdown. I believe certain situations were put in place for a reason. Now I find myself moving around it only to continue to keep what I'm still trying to earn.
Being put in a position where there is some small power...don't get soopa live. Its only enough that the delegation was passed from one hand down to the next. I have no idea what my new job title is but it sho'll is ten steps higher than being at the front desk. Thus far I've been to this fancy smancy high sadiddy party for NYE, playing goddamn kissy face to these people who don't know much about the common people that run the hotel. There were some Chicago politicians there....you know they corrupt as all hells. You seen what happened to Blagojevich, right? Anyways, I really had enjoyed myself because the situation was not approached like it was planned. I don't do the brown nosing thing and pretend that I want to be everyone's friend. It seemed as if I was hosting, honestly. Wooooooo chile, I was looking a hunned percent fine too. Don't play. I had this nice dress on. Please don't ask how it fit on top but it fit. Classy. As I was saying, my job was to make uhm the guest feel apart of the event. Comfortable and what not. As I do best, rounds were made and I actually tried to turn small talk into more than that. Make them feel more than just the dollars they were worth.
Its that skill which seems to work all the time. So it seemed like they were having a good time and not be so stiff like they were better than the next. I sort of made them feel equal so they could better enjoy the evening. It was tiring yes, but sort of worth it even if I never got to spend it at Mama's house like I had plans to do. That's the thing now, my plans are none at all because at any time of the day I might have to be called in for whatever reason. Then y'know those long hours don't make it better. Not when you're used to some time in between. I mean, shoot I used to run on no time at all but there was a block where that time was to myself. It seems as if I am running low on something. Just as long as it does not take away from that it thingie I have then it should be fine, hmm? This promotion is not an easy one at all. Finding ground to not get soopa live with my boss is becoming really hard day by day. [ I cannot stand that rude cuss...UGH! ] You just do not know....let me quit on that matter. But I've been put in too many difficult positions that have the employees there already..ones I am cool with, now look at me as if I'm the reaper. I'm just the messenger and one that's causing all this high pent up stress. Whoo don't no one know some of that stress like your girl, here. I can tell you about actually. Though that is for another time. The politics at the hotel is so different now. Its...people are changing now because they now know, if they are not up to the new standards then they're gone. Goodbye Sheraton and hello unemployment line.
That right there is the reality day by day and Diva can't reach that point because I've been there before. Been in a lot of low points in my young adult life, but God seems to have his hand on me and mines. I swear he does. I feel a testimony coming but I can't. Too tired for it. Have you ever hear me say I am too tired? Its not even the live Diva typing this out right now. I'm in bed really lazily typing. Then there goes Jr. Abasi looking across the room with his arms folded like he gon' do something with that side eye. Mane, you better go play with your toys and leave me alone with that whining. Nah I can't do that. I swear after this ramble of sort is done I'll make him a nice brunch. It isn't favored but you have to do these things whether you want to or not. That's life, baby. This is more than a learning experience more than most. Very appreciative that I'm not back on hard luck or struggling like before. So I won't lie. It is lonely sometimes but I have my baby here. That's enough for me at the moment. Though I need adult conversation sometimes. Y'know? I'd like to think more than on the level of a four year old. Just have one of those good thought provoking conversations. King can't give me that...he a bit touched but y'know. I just want that in order to keep me sane. Heh. Hopefully by the next weekend coming I can go out and have some me time. Hit the town and settle for a virgin cosmo. I don't drink so that will suffice. Is it odd that impure thoughts have been clouding my mind lately? Wooo let me not go there before I go call Rashad up. Mush mouth don't like hearing that mess. LMAO! I'm through with this.
Y'know what I would like to do? Honestly, if I work hard enough I would want to run my own hotel. There's a lot of work ahead I know this but that would be my goal. The have that dating service go national instead of it being so local. I don't know why I feel like it is right for one person to have that company but they should. No one should have to be alone, even if it is temporary. People need people now. So I have to get the ball rolling on that again. Hmm. I have some other ideas up my sleeves but that's all in the air. I wonder why some people enjoy talking to me, or vice versa? I would like to be the person that gets asked that advice. I enjoy helping in that regard. Its a beautiful thing really. Guiding those to find that right decision or outcome to a problem that has been pestering them so. Yes bish, don't play. Now I should really get up before this little man starts protest like he in a union or something. • SMOOCHES x10 •
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| • The Recession Is SOOPA REAL! • |
[ December the 17th] |
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.....This just in, damn it. No news reel in sight. No news just the every day things we face. Particulary ya girl here. Lord be my guiding light through the darkness of haters! They be hating on me so much. Watch what I tell you. Give it about say...another week and cutbacks will sure be happening. How I know? Trust. My ears and eyes are opened wide. Just a week ago they gave my pretend husband, Rashad in maintenance the scissors! I was like no LAWD NOT MY BABY!!!!!! I was saltie for him, because we was talking about getting married up in soopa hefty big mama Shirley's house. Don't tell no one but she be marrying people off for cheap. Justice of the Peace. I liked that pretty man. Woo chile, bag back! I was about to fight that bish Lola over him. Don't play. Seriousness for the mind right now. I'm hearing from my good close sources that they might be shifting a few staff to other departments, then trimming off that fat for the hospitality. I don't know mane. I swear Claire, Ramona, and myself might get it next. It's shivering up in my bones! I'm trying to tell you baby. They are not fooling with this. Business is slowing up around this time of year, less people are buying up rooms, special happenings in the ballrooms are slim, and even those rich uppity people are saving their change. Let me know what it is!
This is nerve wrecking because you never know when it comes, or if it will be you walking out that door with no job. Finding those types of things are hard to find now. Like my Mama was telling me her girlfriend of a long time done got rid of her little salon because she couldn't pay the rent and tax on that place? I'm telling you, people are not trying to spend no types of gaup. I want mines. I mean even if they let me go, what am I to do? I don't want to go back on assistance. Been there and done it. It is what it's for but nah mane. I can't go back to that no more. I mean if it happens what choice do I have? Move out of the apartment and back with Mama? Or worse, shuffle in with Ms. Calhoun and all them people?! Hells to the no no. Really I don't know what to do. Being safe, real safe I went around hustling applications like it was the last of days. I hope Target calls me up, even if they banned my crazy having ass. Don't hate on me for bringing excitement to your place of business. *two snaps* Worse I'll just get like my gal pal Coco and start selling. SIKE! I will never stoop to that level. Not knocking off her game plan but no. I've come too far to get to that level. Even a dagone college degree don't mean squat to these people. I still say moving to the A might be the best plan if it gets real hazy.
But I can't do that. I have to think about Lil Buddha and his damn rotten face having ass daddy. Sorry King. I still care, you know I gots to snap back at you brah. All love, boo! Speaking of him, you know this fool got himself a job?!!!!! WOO I was elated. So elated that I thought about asking him to pay me a visit like we used to do. Heh. NOT. Bwwaaaahhh. Damn I'm live right now. So uhm. Stinkie man got a job and I'm proud. That's beaurtiful. It is. Now his ass don't need to be dealing with his trife-lyyyyyynnn ass brother. OOohhh I can't stand his ass! Sorries. I don't like him. Anywhoo moving onward with this thing before I forget about it and go laydown somewhere. Yes I should have been working but they cut off some hours to supplement what was short for the last week of payroll. We suffering mane. Badly. I mean bad. I think it is bad because it is only the beginning. Not the end. Not in the middle. Woo how long will it last, huh? I REBUKE THEE TO HELL! Uh uh. I'm dumb tonight. Someone asked me this afternoon on how can I be so filled with glee when times are bad?? I tell them that I have this thing here called faith. That and I have to keep on, with the keeping on for my baby. Yes I get sad and discouraged like the next person but there's no time for all of that. Maybe there is but right now I have a job to do.
It is in my DNA structure to do it. I am muthafuckin' woman, hear me roar. RAWR! 'Kay let me quit it right now. On my own time I will sit around and mope but it clears up soon as I see that little boy. Things we do in order to keep peace and tranquility. Its for the babies! Anyways I want another one. Maybe a girl. So she can be just like me and nag at the daddy. Though I'm not asking Rumpelstiltskin to donate any of his seeds. LMAO. Girl stop. I'm stopping. Maybe Rashad cause I know he make some pretty babies, with his ten kids having ass. Let me quit it right now before people start thinking things. Hmmpf. In all seriousness I am hoping things will not get toooooooo curazy. Not today. I can't have it go on like that. It isn't..I have no idea if I can handle it again. With that being said let me get back to my phone conversation I was having. Getting good. This is why you never disconnect with the hood. Let me find on out Jerome was sneaking with his homeboy's third babymamma from highschool. Oh and one more thing. I am really happy about starting up this dating service thingamajig. Want to know why? I like playing cupid. That, and because it helps people in the end. Such as charity. It does start at home and by home I mean the community you are surrounded by. With that I really need jet. • SMOOCHES •
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| • A House Is Not A Home... • |
[ November the 20th] |
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A chair is still a chair, even when there's no one sittin' there...But a chair is not a house and a house is not a home. When there's no one there to hold you tight...And no one there you can kiss goodnight..YOU BETTA SING BOY! Pardon as I sway to this junk. *Sways* Moment over. Don't no one tell me different about that Luther. Mama knows about that Luther because Mama put this here mama onto some Luther. In a time of that feel good music, one must turn on those old record players and let it play. In my case it's a cd collection. Are you gonna be in love with me? Are you gonna be, say you're gonna be. Well, well, well, well... Hmmpf. How long has it been? Some months and some change. Months of ups and definitely the downs but you know the girl turned to that bible along with my backbones. Yes he did. That's what you say after you testify. Yes he did. Saying that, the big big man in the sky had a hand in making sure that everything was going to be alright. Yes he did. Preach sista Diva! Yes he did. Wooooooo lard--lord. Praise his name, yes he did!!!!! I love it when the church sanctified womens get all into their roles too, knowing have them bishes was at the club or doing that sinning the night before Sunday services. Yes he did. What I would like to say about that is they some rude nasty having children of the lord. Now what type of people they be having in that church for anyways? Mane, you must not have known. I'll bag back before the lighten bolts hit up my house.
House. Yes baby, a house. Not one to own because wooo girl stop. I don't have the credit for that and good credit is hard to come by these days. Go head to the bank and ask for a morgage loan if you want. Those people will send you away with the quickstep. Uhuh, not for me. I'll rent but renting is difficult too. It really is when you're doing it on your own. On your own with a little manish person to look after. One that looks like his damn daddy. Yes he did. Snotty nose, eating boogers, having ass. I love my buddha. So much that people get sick of me talking about him. SO? That's my baby, so you best to listen up! No don't listen to it but that's my monster man who has found his means in life at such a young age. That baby is live too, well he wasn't for a while. And and..excuse me.
Moment complete. Yes he did. Since way back when a time ago, before I left for the 'Ville a few incidents occured. One which I care not to discuss because it brings back some terrible things. Namely the kids having to see it all. At that point and time I knew one person wasn't going to be with us in the free world. But instead being someone's hairbraider or the other way around. Possibly more than that but ya'll men in jail be coming back real sweet in the tank. Well lets just mention that holding down this beaurtiful job and such plus continuing to be the mommy that I am has been real hard on my nerves. STRESS!!!! Lord was it stress. But it has been shakey. Shakey to the point that it was tough keeping up with Buddha and my own health. Him missing his knot headed daddy. He was there all the time to not be there was tough on his little self. Yes he did. Poor baby. Those nights I had to keep reminding him that he would be home soon. Be home so that they could go to the movies and do what it is that father and sons do. Lord hold my mule with a box of wine. I'm telling you, everyone was scared when Jr. was so sick. It reminded me that people and such cannot be taken for granted. Yes he did. For nearly a few weeks up until recently, the little crayon thief was struck with pneumonia.
There was so much going on at the time. Struggling to pay these bills, and now the big doctor bill. My insurance can only do so much. Sitting beside him knowing he was so ill, had me broken inside. Mama was there, and Ms. Calhoun as usual but for one time in my life, I'd want to say that Rockhead was missed terribly. Not for me but for Jr's sake. He needed him...we needed him but he wasn't. He wasn't there and that pained us the most. Being in the hospital for a cool minute was so scary. At first you're not in the know as to what's wrong with your child. Before I've been in similar instances where you're not knowing if your child will come from something in one peace. It highly scared me. At one point I was asked to be admitted too but I'm too gangsta for that. Yes he did. Back to little monster. Poor baby. You should have seen him all in there helpless. He was scared and wanted to throw bows with the doctors. I would have but what type of example would I be setting. He came out alright with my lord's help. Yes he did. You know everyone and their mama done prayed up. Prayed up so that those modern medicines would help and cure my baby right up. Yes he did. I'll hold off on the Yes he dids.
• Locked • Why did he have to wyle out for? Why did he have to jump backwards when he was going forward? There are more than one questions for all that went down. Please lord be my mouthwash to relieve this plaque and bacteria. Humpf. It was hard on me, mane. How do you care so much for someone and see them fall so far? The potential is there, it had been there for so long. Poor mistakes all in the name of the dollar almost destroyed a bit of something. I care for Rockhead because he's the father of my child. Not only that, he's a decent person to be around. If you can get around the fact he must have had slumber parties behind the jailhouse. I's just playing. Playtime over. Dealing with people and life isn't a play thing and he knows this. He done hurt people up, and I know he has. It came with the job he done did for the type of money he used to bring in. What had and still is a fear is losing him to a bullet. Or bad circumstances due to his way of life. This last jail time was short but what if it were longer? What if it was another three years? Or worse more? Boy he needs to stop and realize this early on that he can't go out making the same mistakes again. We need him..I mean King Jr. needs him. He needs his daddy. • End •
I've lost track of renting out the extra space. I even processed the thought about moving back with Mama if it gets tricky around here or continues to get tough. Sometimes you have to bunk up with people until you can reach on your feet again. I've been there and it wouldn't be a difference going back. But naaahhh. I've built and work too hard to go back. If it happens it happens. If it don't, it don't. It's a late one and I hear someone waking up wanting to be hugged. Gone off with a pic from trip to ATL. • SMOOCHES • ( Fun in the sun. Long gone summer... )
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| • When Pops Calls You Go • |
[ August the 16th] |
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Looks like a sista is leaving for the A soon. Wish me well but it is needed in my life. Go visit the 'ville, and see all of my childhood friends. Even those triflin having ass kin of mine. I am really looking forward to seeing Poppa Pop Pops. Get this out of the way before Kid wonder aka Lil Buddha aka Rockhead Jr. starts preschool. I've been talking to Pops a lot these recent days and he really wants to head up here and show a certain someone the business. Jap out and all. I do not blame him either. There are plenty who would want to act out violently including myself but I do not see the point in it anymore. Better that I don't care and just worry about my son's welfare like I have been doing so since he was born. Bump everyone else. Sorries but sometimes you have to push aside the bullshit and go on and get it how you live. I'm sorry but I don't have time to deal with the drama surrounding a certain someone. That's all about that. As for some of that good--- I got that GOOD GOOD. My bad.
Still my kooky having ass is in search of a roomate. The place is a little bit aways from where Mama and nem stay but located in McKinley Park. Gawd I miss the hood sometimes but don't miss it enough to head back and live there. That's a troop from here to downtown for work but I figured out a system like usually. My car is almost done and it's a damn shame it has been in the shop for almost two months. Priorities, priorities, mane. I'll be able to officially move into this little rented home after I get back from Atlanta. Wish I can stay for more than a week, but a week sounds good enough because I can't stand my Pop's sisters and their children. Done told them muthafuckas about digging in my mix knowing they do not know all about what goes on here. Woo chile don't let me get the slapping down old foogie hags on my vacation. Little Buddha is coming with as it seems the right thing to do. He needs to see his Grandpa Pop Pop Pops.
He talks my ear off to the max though. Old man! Please! I think that is where I get that live soopa live trait from. He's an old soopa live extra gangstfied original gansta turned square. I love my Pops and he loves me too. He helped a girl out I must say. Sent me some cash that was needed and it made my heart shead a tear because I was looking for that small amount to add to that savings fund. Breaking those double hours sometimes and all this other mess had me ready to give up seeing that other things came up after the other. But you know what? If there is a way, God will make it. He said these words to me and I listened. I thank Pops for his slew foot having ass for helping me out when he has his own things to deal with, especially that mop head having ass wife of his. I can't stand her high shelf wanting everything having ass. Let me quit. Oh failed to mention, King Jr is four now and that day was the most muthafucking rere having ass days of my life. Ooh makes me mad thinking about it.
• Locked • McDonald's was the place and everyone was there to share that special time with little mans. King's Mama, his sisters, and even that thing he calls a brother showed up dropping my baby twenty bucks like he knows what to do with that. He bagged back and left. Then this slut bucket ass ho gonna come high stepping like she was invited. That damn Nadine. Everyone knows she no good news and I told King about her scandalous ways. Always wanting to be some nucca's down ass bish when she doesn't know the meaning of it all. She real flighty and jealous of me. I don't know why you want to be someone's baby's moms for. If I could pick who I wanted to have my laid that damn seed then I would but you can't take those things back. Either regret because things happen. She had nerve to speak of my name and such. Knowing me I had to say something about her being there because the event did not in any shape or form call for her presence. Mad me mad because it was just plain disrespect. Lucky enough there were kids around.
You know Mama wanted to act a cotton picking fool on that man. Chaz too. You know they don't like him. His own Mama wanted to get in his ass for allowing her there. Then got nerve to give my child a present? BISH YOU DO NOT KNOW ME OR HIM, SO BAG THE FUCK BACK! Excuse my swahili, ya'll. Well things just went sour after he got hip to everyone's disapproval of her being there and kindly escorted her out. Can you believe he laid the slap down on her outside of the damn McDonalds? I couldn't hear what was said but I was about to see to it that she be gone. Now see here? This this right here? Did it for me. Now why you gon' slap that girl down like that? Closed fist and all? I was hoping no one saw what happened but I know those kids suspected something. Maybe their view was obscured maybe not since the layout of the place was funny. Then the Playplace thingie was blocking most of the area where we were.
Yeup. King gon' and got locked up because of that dumb dumb move. He so damn stoopid. Real stoopid and I haven't spoke to him since that incident. Nope I'm good. I'm done caring about him. Done with him falling back on his word and doing what's wrong. Doesn't he know this baby looks up to him? I could be a real bish and be like no..Jr. you don't need to be around that stone cold having ass loser. I could be real real vindictive but it's not in me to keep the boy away from his father. Though if he doesn't switch his tune? Uh uh. I'm sorry. It won't happen with me. I can't do it. Ms. Calhoun...I feel for that woman because she may be ghetto as hell and ready to shoot someone but when it comes to her kids she goes all out for them. So I don't see why that man don't heed to her words? For his stupidity and having those baseheads come to her place she kicked him out.
Good for his triflin ass. I know, just know he'll end locked back up again. Last I heard from Ms. Calhoun and her fast ass having daughter is that he's out and doing whatever. I don't want to see him because I have words for his ass. Think I care if he get mad about me telling him like it T I S? Nopes. Better ask somebody. And I seen that bish too around the way when I went to go get my nails did at Coco's cousin's place. She stay in there running her mouth how her and King be all laid up. BISH no one wants your ass like that. They just be using you. She doesn't get it but you know, it isn't of my concern anymore. He'll see if he doesn't by now. I'm threw with you, him, and all of the nonsense in my life. I don't have time to be breaking down now. • End •
Afternoon baby, and I will be hitting up my usual places to shop. GOODWILL HERE I COME!!!!! I love me some Goodwill or Kim Yun's thift store in Chinatown? Wooooo lord. Bargains, bargains galore. That's where I grab up some of these hawt hawt dresses that were a few seasons late but still designer wear. Don't let me get on the go and throw a bish out of the way because of it. Though the real reason to go bargain hunting is to find some good decent furniture for the new place. Saves money instead of renting from RENTACENTER. They be on that bullshit too much. Showing up at your house like you owe them over thousands of dollars on loands. Nuh uh, baby Diva doesn't live here. I had that happened before. Calling my place all times of the day and that damn van sitting outside waiting for me to leave the house. Nopes. Me no speak no english. Hah. I haven't forgotten about my Dating Service. It is going through some revisions and uhm possibly something else. Damn sad I can't get a decent date around here. Damn shame. THEIR LOST, BRAH BRAH. Excuse me while I wipe myself down Lil Boosie Badazz style and go bring this boy to his grandma's. *SMOOCHES*
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| • SOOPA-SKLX-UPDATE • ATL Is Looking Lovely About Now... |
[ July the 25th] |
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I love my BFF to bits but girl needs a new occupation. I put that on everything presently in my LIFE. Hoing is not a long lasting occupation. That loose punanny is nasty up in age, correct? Woo let me not diss my girl. Humpf, chile. Give me a reason not to go find some sleeping pills. I love the awakeneseseses. No really I do not but these things happen. My lack of sleep or getting less than needed is a problem. Not that I cannot hit the sack, it's the problem of staying sleep. Waking up in cold sweats or feel as if there is no slight comfort around when I try to get a good nights rest. Bad dreams mainly. Reoccuring ones where that fire..the fire. It stems back to that. Yes I helped save a few lives but the trauma about the know of people not making it is what haunts a sista. Heh. I pray about it. Even talk about it whenever I can and to who would listen. It would go away soon right? I better go away. I have jobs to attend to. One more important than the other is being someone's mama. Good job it is, because you are rewarded in ways which money cannot buy.
And....money is something I do not have a whole lot of. Common people don't. Not ones who have to think of others before self. Not ones who have to basically start from scratch because events caused for that to happen. It sucks, mane. It does. It's stressful. It is. It's disheartening. That is life. But a goal is attainable. I know it is because my God let me know this. My family reassured this. Besides Lil' Buddha says it's going to be alright. SO KNOW THIS MANE! Heh. Shouldn't be this soopa live at this hour but it is a mechanism I am guessing that keeps me on my toes so no one has to feel worry for me. Need to be that solid rock for others. Yes others because there is someone who I've told quite often that I believe in his dumb stoopid head having ass. Yet he doesn't hear me though. I am telling you. Don't play around with rockheaded having ass mens, ladies. It is not the way to go. I will admit...nah. Too much info on that part and besides I will keep that to myself. The weeks have been cruel, interesting, and rememoriable all in the same setting. Starting off with possibly hustling for mines...in a good way.
King Jr. got lost or wandered off. Little kids do these things but for me that is the most scarey thing to happen. One minute he's at my side tugging on my skirt asking for when it is time to go, then the next the little rockhead is gone. Do you know how that feels? An internal instict jumps on in a flash then you're ready to break all up in a bish trying to find your child. It is just what you do. Thank God, he only wandered off to the event ballroom and this woman found him. Excuse me if the name slipped. It is late. She was a kind one and even allowed the booger eater to play with her headset. On a good side of that day she offered for me to work for her. Now this lady did not have to look out for me like that but she must have seen a struggle shared there. I haven't gotten back to her yet about accepting it but I've been thinking hard on it. Woo yes Jesus of the divine lead me to the promise land and don't forget the bundle of gaups either. Then UGH. King...so much. So much I would like to say negative about him but right now what I can say is that...he has been stepping it up.
• Locked • Mane, oh mane. Where to start with the ever loving soopa live sonofa..sorries. Ms. Calhoun is not to be played with. I like her to bits too but her son needs some sense knocked into him at times. He just does. One hand he has his heart in the right place. That is to do what is best for himself and the little man. Then on the other hand I know that man is up to his old ways. THE DEVIL IS A LIAR I SAY! He is. King doesn't fool me not one bit but what can I do? Physically stop him from making the same mistake? I tell him straight up because we are up front with eachother like that. His brother is bad news and always will be. All these years that dumb ass nucca isn't trying to do much better with his life, what makes you think he cares enough to derail you away from it? I know he dealing with his brother. People in the streets talk too. I be all up in the barber shops. Yup. Better ask Coco. It does not hurt to know that your best friend be laid all up with someone who used to deal with King. What I want to know is why can he look me in my face and not see that what I say is true?
He has to know other people tell him about his brother. That boy does not care about his own blood. I put gaup on it that Ms. Calhoun would say the same damn thing. Fooling the wrong somebody around here. On a good side of things..no let me tell you about the thing he pulled too. Showing up four hours late when something was said about being to pick me and Jr. up. That's how I almost got in his ass for standing us up so late. Woo almost brought out the front on his jabroni having ass. Back on the good note. He has picked up Jr. when he could and brought him back all decked out to the nines. Looking all handsome. Not to mention that one weekend after church he brought us to the beach. I don't look for those things to happen. Well for our son's sake yes. As for I? Not so much. The beach was cool. I've been waiting for like forever to see those two finally interact. That is real touching to me because you've been dreaming, praying to see that day that your son had the chance to spend time with his father.
We talked it up lovely that day though. Real lovely and again I am the one who throws these messages at him so he can get it through his rockheaded ass skull that he can go somewhere higher than what the streets handed to him. Listen just let him listen is all I ask. Got me half worried for him, more so worried about what he could get himself into this time around. The worse fear is him being murked. Ugh. Moving on. • End •
Preschool. Birthday. All things move so quickly but King wants Jr in preschool. I wish daycare wasn't so out of my budget then he would be there instead of elsewhere. Either with a babysitter or Coco. Mama can do so much since she works. So does everyone else in that household. Ms. Calhoun seems like she wants him around more so I have her as an option but I'm not all for bothering people's lives with me and mines. If she insists then that's krispy with the girl. Those things I do need to get on quickly. I will. Eventually today when Jr's pops gets him. If I hear he's bringing my baby to see The Dark Knight? I'm running up on brah. Don't play with me. Knowing that boy might be scared to pieces if he were to see some mess like that. No little kids should be inside the theatre when that movie is on the reel. Saw it bootleg. Hush. Blame Chaz. In reminder of my home from this home, Poppa Pop Pops called me. He did and wanted to know when we can go see him.
Missed out on that chance a few weeks back but things come up. Yiggity! I would like to leave right now but things are not that easy. Nope so..would it be terrible of me to just leave for the weekend? Then I would get the meanest cuss out because Jr wasn't brought along on the trip. Someone needs to take me out to dinner maybe a lunch at the park. SIKE. Chumps go for that. I'm tired and T-Wayne just put me to sleep. Forget sleeping pills or whatever those things I was taking. • Smooches •
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| • Broken Promises • |
[ June the 29th] |
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• Locked • I try to give this rockhead nucca the benefit of the doubt that he would make good on his word. Fo'trill and you know is it me that is silly to believe in him when he proves otherwise? I asked God to help me not go off and jap him out because I don't have time to do so. Don't really have time to show out like that especially on a Sunday. Mane, if praying got done it got done. We were just let out of church and Mama was all in my mix wondering why I've been down like I've been. She doesn't understand where I come from, epecially now. Let me quit that. She might so do and we politick'd on the way back home about everything since Jr and myself haven't been home in days. We've been camped out at Coco's just to get away from that clustered home. I try to make good of a sticky having ass situation but the more you let it get to you the more it does. Plus other stoopid things piles up on top of you as well. I'll get to that muthafucka in a minute but excuse my Swahili. People just don't know how it be, though it be like that at times. Working so many hours to stack up, dealing with people at my job who I can't stand, then worrying about transporation, plus Lil' Buddha, how long will we be stuck like this, and lastly if King going to do right.
Looks like he's proving not to. I don't know why I was believing in his ass so hard for. All then to be let down in some ways. More so for Jr. This entire week he was suppose to get the boy and what not. Only one day of the week he decided to show up at Mama's while I was at work to get him. When he did, he only had the boy for a few hours? Why are you going back on that word? If I'm looking too hard into something then fill me in. Then yesterday rolls on up on a sista and he was suppose to get Jr. for the day and never showed up. Did not call at least one damn time. I had plans and all so they were cancelled just like that. Don't do us like that, brah. Don't do my baby like that. My patience is already frayed and to deal with this bull might have done it. Things might have to change before I can consider even trusting his ass on his word. This makes me think about some of these ladies who have to deal with situations like this. All while King was locked down I thought about it and wondered would I be placed in the same situation. That is not what I want to be part of. The girl doesn't want to deal with the drama. It's too much and I don't know if the truth of the matter is that as the years pass would it be like that?
When he phoned me up he was talmbout some, ``Ma-ma sorry about not coming through but you know how it gets.`` What do you mean how it gets, nucca? Is there something you not telling me? Ah duh! There is and all he has to do is not let this little boy hanging knowing he has high hopes of being with him. Boy you better stop playing. I cry for him at times because it isn't fair. I cry for those little snotty nose having kids who's fathers are not around nor want to be part of their lives. Mane, just come and see your boy because what am I to tell him? The truth? No, little boy. Your damn pops is a good for nothing having ass nucca who don't know a good thing when it is there. Did he not remember Jr would have been nothing as well as his twin? Reliving that makes it even worse. He knew how sick I was after the fact and what chances there was of Jr. surviving. He wisened up then so I don't get why he isn't wise now? I know he's smarter than that but then I'll wonder if he's actually trying to seek out something good so he can get on his feet and not hustle ass backwards. Let me find out if that is what he's been doing. Let me find out. If so it is a wrap. Fo'trill I mean it. Don't do the stupid thing again, you know?
Trying to see from his eyes is what's got me all messed about it. I don't know exactly what his situation is like besides him staying with his peoples. He hasn't told me what he's been doing since being out nor what specifically his plans are. I have a bad feeling it's what he's been doing beforehand but one can only hope it isn't. I don't want to look at it one way and be saltie about it but call it what you want. He's so lucky I don't love his ass. Sounds harsh as hell but I do care about him. Maybe I do and just don't know it? Naaahhhh. Girl stop. Maybe always will since he was a sidekick of mine from the gutta. That's what is possibly making this so hard to deal with. When little rockhead is sad about it then his mama is also sad. I don't want him being let down as much as I am. So I guess quadruple time on my part and make as if things are all right. Smiles and all even if that is what I feel differently on the inside. Isn't that what I do anyways? I still want to kick that muthafucka in the chest though. Hmmph. • End •
Ughh sitting still does not do me good so after this, beach time. Poppa Pop-Pop has been on my tail end wanting to know when we could visit his funny crooked scheming having ass. I want to go back home in the A badly because it would be some time to relax. Meet up with some of those kinfolk we love to hate. Though, knowing how that side of the family are it's best to keep my ass here. Some of them look down at me because of the situation I'm in or how my cards were dealt. Not to mention they don't like my mama all that much for whatever reason. Don't put that with me, you know? I might have to slap down a few aunties for good measure but won't since they're old and all. If leaving for a week is good, it will have to be after the 5th since I'm suppose to be going elsewhere some opening, I believe. Though I really want to go see Pops. It's been some time being around him and his stoopid jealous wife. She so uppity for no reason and thinks she's always mother of the year. Trick go somewhere with that noise. Anywhoo. Pops wants to see how big Buddha got and spoil him rotten. You know how grandparents do. They treat the grandchildren better than how you were treated growing up. Mane, why can't you get me one of those nice little toys? So what if I'm a grown ass woman?! I WANT THAT LEGO SET! I kid. Heh let me get this little heathen's lunch ready and head out. • SMOOCHES •
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| • SOOPA-SKLX-UPDATE • Parlayin' In The Lobby |
[ June the 17th] |
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What is this, disco night at the Sheraton? Blame my big ho of a gal pal, Coco. I'm fraid for that girl. Lord knows I am. Whatever she does I let her be and that is all that matters. Hopefully she'll turn her life to the man up above or clean her act up. I was politick'n with her silly ass before my shift was over with. Catching up and doing that girly girl talk that I just love to do. It's well needed in MY LIFE! Some of her advice, though makes me want to slap her down. POW! Or catch her with a clean front. That I'd love to try out but I might mess up my manicure. Woo lord it took me to collect some coin for that to get done. Those wraps be doing wonders sometimes to the nails. Let me tell you when I went to Coco's silly ass cousin or..one of her familia she tried to tell me my life story. Reading my life lines and such. Girl, bye. Where..there I go again moving all over the place. I'm ansty right now and would like to leave but I'm waiting for my step-brah to lift me up. Car is in the shop again. Damn it to hell! Can I pause for a disco break? ( *JUKES* ) Disco break done. LET NO MAN PUT ASUNDER! Wooo chile, don't allow for me to jap out in front of all these uppity people. Okay, bag back. Oh..let me politick about Sunday? Sounds beautiful. Depending how you would look at it.
Munster Herman flew the nest..wrong phrase. He left the big house. Prison. However you would like to call it. He's out and this silly chump ass muthafucka been let out for a week and never had the nerve to call the house to say so. I had to hear from his Mama when I ran into her at the grocery store. Think I did not have words for his ass? Yup I sure did. Sweet Ms. Calhoun sure did give me the number to where he was staying. I called his ass up real lady like at first. You know how Diva does it. Wait, extract that because I don't speak in third person. As I was saying...I was talmbout some...BOY DON'T YOU KNOW I WILL COME FIND YO' SILLY ASS AND CUT YOU? I kid. Hostility wasn't there really. Actually it was quite uhm..it was civil enough. Kind of dull on his behalf. He so corny and lame style really. I kid about that too. He was..apologetic but attempted to pull my card for whatever reason. Excuse you mista? That's when Mama cut in on the line and tried to cuss him out. MAMA! No, she needs to go rest her nerves. I kid that didn't happen but uh she did ask in behalf of Chaz if hmm..it went like this. I put it out there so he can come and see his lil booger eating heathen when it best suited him but Sunday would have been a good day. Don't laugh but little kids do be digging for gold in that snot box. Eww nasties.
This bad idea popped up into my head. And I was wondering if I was really ready for it. Then my feelings had to be put to the side really because it wasn't about me but about Lil' Buddha and his ruff' looking father. He has not been out since that kid had been brought into the world and for some reason I'm thankful he got to see him pop out of you know where but still it was difficult bringing him to go see him these past four years. That's the time that slipped by. Moving on because this seat is bothering my ass. So he came on by and uuh damn. Chaz started questioning him and such and I thought he was about to pop off. NO you don't go and pop off at my step-daddy!! Don't you know Mama will jump in and jap on you too? Though it didn't happen. This is what I be thinking in my head. These scenerios play out and I'll expect it to happen but it's just the opposite. Weird stuff here. Chaz and his brah cooked it up on the grill and things were just that. I left to go with Mama to church. I have to keep on the right path because we don't want sinning going on. Heh. Nah, girl stop. Okay. That service helped me get relaxed and expect what it was that was suppose to be. Does that make sense? Soon as we come back from service, all of these suckas including the booger eating one was camped out in the living room all sweet like. Aww isn't that beaurtiful. Beautiful. Really?
• Locked • During half time I suspected the old rockhead wanted to talk to me. I was easy going with it. Why not? It would have been like how it always was except face to face and not on paper. We were outside parlayin' on the picnic bench talking about different things and I tried to keep it based on our son really. That's all I'm interested in is his welfare and what this nucca will do to help with that. One hand I wanted to get at him about how he would have waited to tell me he was out. Come like them jump outs be doing and give me a damn heart attack. No..no no, mista. But he kind of pulled up a good point about how I should have been more persistent with bringing Jr. to go see him like I said I would. Well I've been busy kind of..not..uhm. Then he brought up something talmbout how he heard I was seen with someone. And? That's my business, brah-brah. He backed off there and apologized. Looked like he was about to jump out his neck about something but he stopped. I was expecting him to throw bows about it but didn't. Which that does not sit with me. So has he really changed for the better? I asked him what we always spoke on about how he could do so much better than what he had been doing before going in. Yes he promised me this and that about doing what was right for Rockhead Jr. That's all I want.
And even mentioned about trying to grind out at a decent job so that he could get a place for Jr. and myself. It would be worth doing so since he believed I had done a good job considering all the stuff the boy and I had to go through during his absence. Nah, brah. I don't need your charity and I can do for myself. Just get you together and don't back slide. If you do...I'm putting foot in that ass. He thought I was joking. No I am so serious. That's one thing about him that I can say. He's a person of his word but sometimes people, mainly his like to get in his head a lot. I hope this time around they don't. On one note...that man was looking like woo..chile. A flashback overtook my ass. Pause. Pause over with. He still look dirty though. Beefy. Lawd please be my redirection to something else for the night. That was it really and here I was expecting something bad to happen. Now shall I get on widemouth? I really don't want to spend too much time about that one but Coco was telling me that I was doing good so far. I don't know really. He's a good person and it isn't because of the things he did like taking me to these places and such.
It's more than that. Would it be that I am wasting my time? Or is he wasting his time? I'm not looking for anything right now. I just want to have fun. Fun is nothing that I can have really because my priorities permit it in some ways. I do like him. Not like like...ohhh baby let me be your babbbbyyyyy. Not like that like but a wholesome type of like. I just think he's impressive to me. Uh something to think about but things could be different. Men are stressfull. • End •
See! Too much typing! The orchastra..this is my joint. After this I have to get up and groove a bit. I do not care if my co-workers stare me down. Ooh ya'll better join in! WORK IT! Tired again but I feel somewhat better than beforehand. Yet there is a new found stress about to come my way. Maybe I should phone someone and bug the snot out of them. Good idea? Nah. I'll take my ass home soon as this muthafucka comes to get me. I swear, black people never be on time with theres. He think I be playing. That boy will get shot, killed, and robbed. All in that order. Kidding. That does not make sense. Enough! *SMOOCHES*
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| • YOU LIKE TO SEE ME WHEN I DIP BABY DIP • |
[ June the 4th] |
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Ha! DON'T IT LOOK LIKE I GOT BEYONCE'S HIPS? LOOKIN LIKE I COULD BE LIKE NIA LONG. BOY YOU SMOKIN THAT CHEECH AND CHONG..All the mens like it when I dip baby dip. Kidding! I don't be out there like that as most might get in their muthafucking heads. Excuse the swahili, french, or whatever you'd like to say. Here it goes again. One of those late night writing sessions for that ass. I'm live in the 0 - 8. Not soopalive, but a moderate live. Sleepless in Chicago. Sleepless in Seattle was a funny movie I caught at work last week. Speaking of last week. Should I explain why Diva is my name or discuss this here sucka I met at work? I'll go with the name 'cause it will imply this chump apparently. So Mama the innovative OG that she is claims that she wanted her only child with Poppa Pop Pop, to be empowered since birth. Can you believe that? She never thought about how much people expect out of you when introducing yourself to them. ``Oh..Diva? My then, I bet you think you better than anything that walks.`` No. I do not. Far from and never have I been that way growing up. Little ole me acting divaish? Pfft. Mane, she set me up for that one. It was worse during school days. Likely when highschool came along. All those bia's was talking on the slick about me too. Why you hating on me for?!
Don't be mad I got yo' mane, bish! Sorry I never did that at all. Stealing mens. Not in me to do such. I got blamed for it plenty of times. Fist fights ensued. Lovely days those were. I remember my cousin ( the EXTRASOOPALIVE one ) stood up for me a lot. Especially with the older girls trying to jap out on me. You betta bag back before someone gets slapped down. Don't get caught with the front. POW! Think I'm playing..Point is I really don't like the name given, but since the one who brought me into the world has done so much, I have no choice but to smile and carry on with life. As if that name is the biggest of my problems. So this conversation started up about unique names with this wide mouth, scruffy having ass muthafucka. Woo that boy got a smile on him. Don't hurt 'em baby. Ha. I'm a fool with it. We conversed and I got annoyed then met chump back at the little ole bar at the hotel. We chit chatted. Womp womp. Carrying right along because you know I don't like sitting for long periods of time. We politick'd on one of those late evenings. Suprisingly Mama and nem wasn't awake because if so? Woo she would have drilled his silly ass about all sorts of things. Nosey ass having self. It was ruined of course when Rockhead Jr. decided to intrude.
Always whining and crying about some monster. Lil nucca...if I have to let you know one more time..I put a night light up in the room so he would believe me there weren't any monsters lurking. But no he wants to cry on up talmbout some, ``Mommie..monsta say him want ice cream or him won't go away..`` Boy you betta stop! Nah Jr didn't say that. So wide mouth, scruffy having ass sucka offered to take my ass to one of those things called a basketball game. In the D'. Short notice too. Wooo chile! Take me. Though under one condition. Lil Rockhead has to come too. So he came and we had a good ole nice time. The Celtics whooped up on them Pistons, boy. Piston fans are gutta, baby. I was cheering and all because that arena was exciting to be around. WOO!!! YOU BETTA GO BOY! No one in particular I was cheering for but the competition is what had me going. I like watching sporting events, but there isn't a team I like better than the other. That was Friday? I don't know but he better be going to somemore games. Let me ease on over there. Jr. don't like him which indicates he isn't that dude to deal with. I'm kidding of course. Funny thing is Jr was live and he hasn't been that way lately. It made me happy on the inside. Thank you wide mouth, scruffy having ass chump sucka fool!
• Locked • Quickly..I can't help but to think this man is wanting something. Play the fool and continue to use..I mean show some sort of interest. I kid. That's not what I does or anything but you have to watch out sometimes. Especially now. Why don't you keep going by what you think is right? Oh trust and believe I will. Anyways he's half way cool. No harm in that but I don't want people getting comfortable. Especially where my son is concerned. It doesn't feel exactly right, when Rockhead dumb having ass is about to be out soon. And no I did not go and see him like said. This week though since he needs to see his son. That is all. Oh and those dreams/nightmares or what have you? I'm not the only one having them either. • Unlocked •
I'll have to hook wide mouth with one of my friends. Ha! Think I'll try to go to sleep but not without a slice of Mama's red velvet cake. Ummm yummies! • SMOOCHES •
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| • You're Like My Favorite Song • |
[ May the 23rd] |
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Believe it, some boy ran that line to me. ``Yo ma, you know, you know you like my favorite song?`` Lil' ole me looked up at the big fathead and laughed. I laughed so hard that my sides ached. Laugh and point. After the heehee was threw, I apologized. He was saltie too, boy. It's `iight baby. I was expressing my appreciation for that line. Take it from me, ladies. If a man runs that line by you and you do not believe it? Laugh in his face. It makes for great amusement. His face alone when it drops is the entertaining part. There is a way to detect if he is being honest about it. The way you can tell is if he's really vulnerable. Open. He has your hand in his, and ya'll two clowns are walking down the street just coolin' as if nothing or no one around matters. This mood is indescribeable really. If he can say what the song is, why, with a depth behind it, and you get mega moist from that? Then it's the truth right there. Other than that, chump is being extra for no reason. I would have to say no one is like my favorite song besides Lil' Buddha. Speaking of Jr. I can't keep up with him anymore. Sike-sike. Lil` guy can't keep up with me. On with the song selection. I would have to say that Rockhead is like my favorite song...`You Are My Sunshine` or `Zion` by L-Boogie. Either those two. ( KING ABASI aka Lil Buddha aka Rockhead Jr. aka Mr. Grumpy ) Don't hate on my baby's name! He's a large chunk of my life, and all that has come to love the kid. I really don't like children but I tolerate Rockhead though. Nah not my speed running around with five babies. Or watching someone else's nappy headed runts. That's too harsh? Sike. I'm all jokes about it but really I love snotty noses. Joyness in my LIFE! One thing I would have wished for was if Jr's twin would have made it here. So I could have been blessed with two instead of one but those are the things the Big man upstairs wanted. Pretty sad, you know? I'm happy he spared Jr. I'm happy I had wisened up and told this good for nothing nucca that I was keeping our creation. Ole stupid no nonsense having ass muthafucka. Wish he would have asked me some re-re mess like that again. Talmbout some, ``Ma-ma...I think you should take this scrill and make it do what it do with it. Youknow'saying?`` No muthafucka I don't know. Think I didn't threaten him with the cast iron skillet? Heelllll nah, boy. Hot grits-a-tossing would have sounded good at the time too. I digress. He warmed up to the idea after a few talks.
His pops is locked up and they won't let him out! Oh lawd have mercy! I wept like a ole bia who got the Sunday's best wig snatched right off her head while attending service. Woo tell me you wouldn't get buck in the lord's house after that? Hahh. Wow okay. Jr's pops is currently locked up. For what you ask? I will not discuss his business but it was dumb of him. So out of his league but don't hate. My babydaddy is EXTRAMEGASOOPALIVE gangsta. Woo usually I only gets with live gangstas. I almost had to push him away. Oh no hon I can't with you. He too live for my ass. Too damn live. Heh. No he's a straight clown. He play too much is mostly what it was when we were together. No, one of us needs to be the serious one. Not this two dumb-dumbs always clowning around. That spot was reserved for me. I called dibs from the beginning. Needless to say things didn't work out. He wanted to hug the block as could be heard from his mouth. Or be distracted by new pussy. Or pressure from his peoples. For instance, this one time I was waiting for this nucca to come and see me. You know one of those late night visits. He talmbout some, ``Hold..can..let me get a raincheck? I need to pile up on this and make a killing for the night.`` WHAT MUTHAFUCKA? What real man would turn down some cat?
Girl stop. 'Iight. Oh Jr's pops is King. Ole rockhead dusty ass having muthafucka. Pardon my Swahili but that's my favorite bad word. Muthafucka. All day. Muthafucka, I wish you would! Think I'm playing with yo' ass muthafucka? It's worse when that road rage hits. MUTHAFUCKA?! Didn't you see me? Mama told my ass about it talmbout, ``Babygirl...it is not ladylike to be using all those foul words.`` MA it is only one word, damn. Muthafucka this and muthafucka that. I'm finished but back to King's ass. He was a snotty nose kid when I met him. See this here, Mama left Poppa Pops because he was soooooo fugazi. They weren't married but she left. Headed back north where her family is from. So that's how I reached Chicago. In the `hood near the Southside is where she got situated in this apartment shared with an auntie of hers. Blah blah, and blah. King lived in the projects down from us but his relative lived the floor under us. So we always saw his snotty nose having ass around. Yuck. He was annoying and so dingy. At school he used to bother me and stuff. Picking on lil' ole me. Leave me alone little boy!!!! My cousin Rasheeda ( she was a big girl ) used to bust him up. ``DON'T BE BUGGIN' MY COUSIN NUCCA!`` That girl was EXTRASOOPAlive.
He stopped bugging me after awhile but would always try to talk to me. Mane I don't want to be your lil' friend! Little boys merked me deeply then. Then he went and got all grownt up on a sista. Grownt up and still a damn pest. We ended up having a class together in highschool. Everyone suspected he was slow. Nah not exactly. He just had dyslexia and no one cared to see about that. I helped him because I felt sorry for his ass, and plus he used to walk me home from school. Long tale short I still can't stand his foolish ass but at the same time I still care about him. That's how our uhm bond is. The thing that's funny about it all is that he knocked me up when we weren't seeing eachother. Situations happen. King suppose to be out soon. Not too sure how soon but he talmbout wanting to see me and Jr next week. I'll see. That's too much work to go and see his fool ass but the only thing that'll push me to go is so he could see his midget. I mean his dear loving son. Moving with this because it's taking forever and I need to get the moving.
• Locked • Currently I'm not knowing what to do with myself except to run around like my sense is gone. It must be, if I can't sleep majority of the time. This pill popping don't work for the lady. Robotified is not my thing. I'm sorry. But those bad dreams, mane. BAD. Last few months when that fire broke out? Jesus be my partner in crime! Knowing that a few young children and Mr. Whittier was stuck in the apartment building hurts my soul. So much burning, so many things lost in the rage. That heat..orange, red, flames. Char. Broken in ceiling. Smoke. I keep seeing smoke and hear Jr screaming. All you hear is screaming. Coming from the upper floor, or down the hall. Inside you feel so torn since everyone didn't make it out. But putting yourself in the line wanting to help. I don't know what went through my mind besides getting Jr out and then going back in to help others. Failed. We lost some good people and young people who had a life ahead of them. Mama and Chaz have been wanting us to move in for the longest since before the fire but after being on your own for such a long ass time you don't want to go back depending on anyone. Not I really but we had no choice. Starting from scratch can be a bittersweet thing. It can but it weighs down on your soul. Yes lord, I'm about to break out in the ghost. Let me quit before I get blownt up with lightening.
To help me cope with the mega stress and strife I turn to that little bible someone gave me or go talk to my big ho of a friend Coco. For a moment I wasn't too sure if a good job would come my way. Nah not too sure. The little gig at the Holiday Inn and Macy's wasn't enough for to live off of plus provide for Jr. Of course King's big brah was flipping coin this way but he was only doing it because King asked as that one favor since he serving time intended for his brother. What the flip is that, right? So things got rocky. Real rocky. Eviction notices...overdue...pastdue bills...threats of repossessing things, namely my hooptie. And yet my pride or what was left said some, ``Muthafucka's ain't taking from me and my baby! Don't let me pop off now. Think I'm playing?`` But that fire took that all away. Being labled a hero by the locals and newspaper made things seem better for a short time. Ma and my step-pops opened up their home. Which is also shared with Chaz's slutbucket daughter, and his young hustlin' backwards having ass son. That is too many people in that small house. It will suffice for now. I'm praying it does but this new gig at the hotel is looking to be an excellent situation. On to how that came about... • Unlocked •
How does it feel to be recognized for the second time for saving a life by the Chicago Tribune? It feels muthafucking great! Not exactly because this old batty having ass man could have forked over some guap for my help. He loaded too? Cut me a check, mane! Nah but seriously he helped in a big way. Turns out that this old man I saved from choking on his food was the relative who owns the Sheraton where I work currently. He put in a good word and allowed for me to get in with this place. My background in hospitality is all on paper so my credential is top notch. Not exactly but close enough. Edward Banks II is this old man who was chillaxing in the lobby one day while I was there with Coco. Don't ask why she was there, I just went to get my purse she borrowed. Anyways long story shortened, the old man was choking on a pretzel. Like Dubba Bush did that one time. Quick Heimlich and he was saved. Voila! So that's how I got the job. But I still want a check. Where the muthafucking cash, brah? Sike. Uhhhh shoot, I can't no more. Too antsy to sit here and pollitic. I need to go get Lil` Buddha from his other granny. • SMOOCHES •
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| • What's In A Name, girl? • |
[ May the 23rd] |
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( Sounds correct...fo'trill ) Mane it is mega late, chile. Less and less sleep. Same nightmare dreams over again. I'll..jot down a heap of more when my thoughts stop moving fuzzy. Lates
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